Letters from a Criminal
by I Am The Batman
Summary: Dragunov starts sending letters to a serial killer named Anton Romonov. You can already tell this won't end well.
1. Letter 1

Hi. I've been wanting to do something like this for a while. So here's how this will work: the letter _to_ the serial killer (I named him Anton) will be the first one, there will be a break thing (you know what they are), and then there will be the letter to Dragunov. I just wanted to get that out of the way. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Dear Anton,

My name is Sergei Dragunov. I'm very interested in you. I don't know why, but I think it's a pretty good idea to start sending letters to you. You must be very bored sitting in a cell all day. I feel like I'm in a bit of a cell at home. My parents don't let me do anything social. It kinda sucks, but I think it may be because of the recent mafia problems we've been having in the area I live in. I've heard our country has one of the highest homicide rates because of them. Were you in the mafia?

Anyway, I'm interested in serial killers. I have been since I was young. I'm 17 years old at the moment. For some reason I like singing. Sounds kinda wimpy doesn't it? Well I couldn't possibly care less. Um... I plan on going to the military when I graduate. I have to ask, what did you want to be when you were my age? I'd love to know. It couldn't possibly be as uncreative as what I want to be. Yes, I did juat admit what I wanted to be was uncreative. Everyone I know wants to go to the military.

I don't know what else I should say. I'd like to know a few things about you though. How many people did you kill when you got caught? How long have you been in jail? How long do you have left to serve? Someone told me this information before but I forgot within 5 minutes, and I'm also too lazy to figure it out. Oh, and what's jail food like? Is it as bad as people say it is?

So I think I'm gonna stop there. I'll wait for a reply from you. I don't think I should say "have a nice day" because I know you won't have a nice day. Actually, once you think about it, no day in Russia is great. Hiding from the mafia is very hard when you're my age.

Sincerely,

Sergei Dragunov

* * *

Dear Sergei Dragunov,

It's been a while since I've gotten a letter. In fact, I haven't been sent one since my conviction. The last person to send me a letter was my cousin, Katherine. She's gone now, if you know what I mean. She kinda ratted me out to the government. And no, I've never been in the mafia. I hate the mafia. They put me in the hospital for 2 weeks when I was 12. I had to get my spleen removed that day.

Somehow I can tell you're a very strange person already. It's your handwriting. It's very similar to mine. Anyway, I'm 35 years old. When I was 17, I also enjoyed singing. I was teased a lot for it. So the first person I killed was the person who started the teasing. When I was 8 I wanted to be in the military, but when I was your age I wanted to be a doctor.

I've killed about 70 people, I've been in jail for about 10 years, and I have about 70 more years to serve. It's okay if you forget, even I forget sometimes. It's a lot to take in after all of the court hearings and such. The jail food is in fact, as bad as people say it is. It's terrible. The only thing they serve that's edible is the tacos they serve on Mexican night, which is every Tuesday. They don't even care if you have any allergies. You couldn't imagine how many people with cantaloupe allergies have died in the past year.

I'd have to agree with you when it comes to the mafia. Everyone in the mafia is 7 feet tall and 300 pounds, so they're automatically intimidating.

Sincerely,

Anton Romonov

* * *

I think I may have to get something more out of the way. If this fanfiction resembles any event that happened in the real world, it's just a coincidence. Trust me. Even if it happens after this is finsihed. I wasn't involved. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Happy hunting.


	2. Letter 2

Hi. Here's the next chapter of this project I'm doing. I'm sorry it's so short, but I think it's okay otherwise. So I hope you enjoy this.

* * *

Dear Anton,

So it must be lonely up there in prison. Judging by the first paragraph you wrote, you seem kinda betrayed by that cousin of yours, right? If my cousin or sister (yes I do have a sister) ever did that to me, I don't think I'd kill them per say, but I know I wouldn't talk to them for the rest of my life. Or their life. Whoever dies first. And that's that.

Um... I get that a lot, actually. That's why I don't have too many friends. Once I compare our handwriting, I see it's definitely very similar. I never get teased for liking to sing, people actually think I'm kinda good at it. It would suck if I was teased for liking to sing. If that happened, I think I would be like you in a sense. I would kill, or attempt to kill that person.

I see. And thanks for kinda... letting me off the hook for forgetting. I forget my own birthday sometimes. You don't celebrate birthdays in prison, do you? I've heard that you didn't. I couldn't imagine not celebrating anyone's birthday, to be honest with you.

Yeah. I'm 6'2" and people think I'm intimidating. If they meet a guy from the mafia, they would know what the meaning of intimidating is. Am I right, or am I right?

Sincerely,

Sergei Dragunov

* * *

Dear Sergei Dragunov,

I can't even describe how happy I am right now. You actually replied. I'm pretty sure that's rare for serial killers. My current roommate once had a penpal and they stopped sending letters to each other after the first or second letter. He gets lonely a lot. I don't know what he did to get himself into prison, but I heard he robbed about five or six banks.

We are strangely similar, aren't we? I just hope you don't land yourself in a place like this. It's terrible. Did I mention that the only good food they serve is on Mexican Night? I think I did. And it's true. It is the best food they serve, and I look forward to it every week. Could you ever imagine bad borscht? No. If you get here, you will find out what bad borscht is. Most borscht is awesome, and I don't care what anybody says.

For some reason, I think I'll enjoy sending letters to you, Sergei. Or do you like being called Dragunov? I like calling people by their last name. I think it's because they call you by your last name in prison. I don't know why they do that. So I would be "Romanov". It takes some getting used to, but it's okay within the first month or so. But you seem like the type to never go to prison. You seem like a politician type of guy, from what I've seen.

So I guess I have to close this somehow, so I'll just say that you're about 5 inches taller than me. I'm short. I know. I hate being like, 5'9". Most Russian women I've met are a half an inch shorter that me. I'm sure you wouldn't understand.

Sincerely

Anton Romanov

* * *

Well, I told you it was short! And borscht is a type of beet soup from Eastern Europe for those that don't really know. It's very good, you should try it. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Happy hunting.


	3. Letter 3

Hi. I can't believe the fact that I've been writing so much today. It's almost a first. And 700 words is sorta long (for me anyway). Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Dear Anton,

I guess I should say what kind of school I go to. I go to a high and mighty private school. It is not fun. You gotta wear an ugly uniform. It's black. I don't like how black looks on me. My skin is almost white. It's sort of grey. Wait! It's worse! I've heard, that if you're a chick and you break the oh so serious rules, you get fondled. One of my friends named Natalia brought a can of pop to school, and the headmaster touched her in _places _if you know what I mean. I've heard that it's gone farther than that. Natalia said that this one girl actually got molested for leaving some pubes on the toilet seat. Keep in mind that the headmaster is in his late 50's. Pretty gross, eh?

Anyway, I'm glad that you're happy. Happiness brightens up a dreary place, doesn't it? I'm sure it is rare for serial killers to get letters, especially from people they've never met before. I've told this to my psychology teacher and he said, "Sergei, you know what I've taught you. Communication with a serial killer is not smart and you shouldn't send letters to him anymore." I'm going against his wishes I guess. It's pretty fun and it fills me with adrenaline each time I read your letters. That is why I'll continue writing letters to you, no matter what.

Yeah, I'm sure you've told me about Mexican night. So during Mexican night, do the guards wear sombreros? I'm just wondering. And you don't have to worry; I'm not going to prison anytime soon. And no, I could never imagine bad borscht. So what would they put in the borscht in prison, squid? If they did, that would be terrible. Squid is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

I think I like being called Dragunov. I think they do that in the military. So I guess I should get used to it before I actually go to the military, right? I think it would be smart. At least it doesn't take long to get used to. Sometimes I don't like change if it's too drastic.

Well, at least you won't have to worry about hitting your head against the top of a door, right?

Sincerely,

Sergei Dragunov

* * *

Dear Dragunov,

Wow. That's some pretty heavy stuff there. Little 17 year old school girls getting touched by old men? I can understand if they weren't old... and were their boyfriend. If you want I can tell this to the security officers here. But that's only if you want. I think it would be a good idea though. Who said serial killers were bad people? Wait... don't answer that. Most serial killers are bad people. And old pervy men are gross.

Happiness does brighten up a dreary place. Actually, it makes me want to paint my cell a nice bright color. But you aren't allowed to do that. It kinda sucks, I must say. You don't have much freedom here. I myself have the extra burst of adrenaline when I read your letters. I don't know why. Psychology teachers are stupid. Don't listen to them. Ever. Most are under qualified to be a teacher. Most only have a degree in psychology, and it's only a bachelor. Don't show this letter to your teacher. If you do, I will find a way to kill you. Trust me. I can.

I love Mexican night. Yes, they do wear sombreros, and they also wear ponchos and try to talk with a Mexican accent, and fail miserably. It's very funny. I dare you to try to talk with a Mexican (or Spanish) accent and you will laugh at yourself. Trust me. Um... I honestly don't know what they put in the borscht other than beets. I think it may be a mix of squid and salmon. Squid is my least favourite food as well, and I'm sure you can tell what my favourite food is.

I think they do that in the military. And yes, it would be very smart to get used to it before you get sent off. People in prison never get used to the outside world. A lot have been sent out, and they come straight back within months. It's very sad.

Yeah, I guess I don't. And your doors must be for dwarfs or something.

Sincerely,

Anton Romanov

* * *

At first I didn't know where I was going with this, but now I do. I'm crafty. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Happy hunting.


End file.
